all4theduke

Since my last entry, I found out: one, that the guy who was saying I was his type was leading me on and was not looking for a relationship is now in one with another girl....two, that the guy who made my life hell with my first ex when he came back to me begging forgiveness I should of said no and walked away instead of believing him and him turning around and hurting me when being ex number two, he broke up with me out of the clear blue for stupid reasons that I am pretty sure were made up. In any case, my personal life is at a complete standstill as usual and so now I am just working on getting through my senior year at college even though I already set myself up for another year here. Its scary because I honestly am having trouble figuring out my future now and where I am headed who can say. The more I learn about the real world and what I need to get in there and survive the less I feel prepared. In any case time heals everything they say and I just got to be positive when I feel questioned or feel like questioning myself.

Its been a while but hey, times do take that toll on a person and you cant seem to keep up with anything anymore. Basically after finishing my first real relationship of three months my life got hectic, i started relationship two, which lasted four days and whom the guy friend who is a very good guy friend is always still calling me. But other than that, ex number one wouldnt leave me alone and then coupled with a friend of his who made my life hell for a period of time, it took quite a while to reach the status i am at now and done with all that mess. Currently my troubles seem to be worrying about my general being and how i am going to keep up with living expenses month to month and finding a job in this day and age. Its getting way overwhelming that im running near broke and i have to worry about all these expenses that just keep seeming to come at me. I feel even being as thrifty as my mother taught me to be its just not enough. But as always, it will be figured out somehow, i am not sure how yet, but i will. On top of this worry, i have recently been talking to a guy here at school more and whom told me i was his type and then proceeded to kiss me randomly the first time we hung out. Whats bad about this, is that since then, he acts like always and im left at a loss for what the heck is going on. why cant life and relationships be more clear cut, i mean if u like someone let them know your intentions right off so then they can either say yes that is okay with me and or say no thank you and you both move on? i mean i really hate the whole guessing games with guys. oh well, my main concern has to be school and finding a job now so ill let him do whatever he thinks he needs to do and not worry about it anymore, because that can drive a girl nuts and just go on like i have unless he wants to make something out of it. ill cross that bridge when i come to it, should i ever.

Its been a crazy year. So much is different in my life since I started college. Not only am I living in my first apartment with two friends, including my best friend Cait, but I have turned 21 and also gained another person in my life, namely my boyfriend Travis. Its hard to think that my birthday and my relationship coincided as they did, in fact our relationship became official the morning of my birthday. Hows that for odd huh? Some present huh? Happy Birthday, you have a boyfriend! Not to mention he is my first real boyfriend. Its like hello, you can drink now and have someone to pamper you as well, which Travis certainly does. He won't let me pay for anything and he loves to cook, so he cooks for me too. Our first real date he took me hiking which I love to do, and then out to dinner at a mexican restuarant. Then the next date we had, he cooked me dinner and we watched a movie. It was after that, that he asked me out, about midnight the day before my birthday and it was official the next morning. So if that wasn't enough, he had bought me a bottle of wine for my birthday and the cork to open it, and then he spent the evening of my birthday with me and took me to get icecream. Then that friday we went out with friends to Red Lobster and I ordered my first drink as a 21 year old and got a yummy pina colada, and my favorite Snow Crab Legs, and I was going to pay for it myself, but needless to say when it was time for the bill, the boy wouldn't let me pay and treated me. Its been exactly a week today that we have dated and so far he is a very attentive and sweet boyfriend. Let's see how long that lasts, because from what I have seen with my friends relationships, it doesn't usually stay that way. Wish me luck, though I am pretty sure he is not going to be mr. forever, but for right now, hes nice to have around.

I'm back at school and glad of it. I love home, don't get me wrong, but I nearly worked the whole time and it seems to me that I never really got a break at all to speak of. I shouldn't complain I know that more than anyone, but I can't help feel that way. Its great being back at school but the weariness that i felt over break has still not left me yet. I don't know why, but I am ever so tired all the time and what's even worse, I just seem to have this cloud hanging over me. I am constantly worried about something, even if it is of no real consequence and I am not able to completely relax ever. Guess I am suffering from anxiety. I worry alot over events from day to day. It seems more and more now, that I am worried about real world things like money and tuition and what not. Guess my childhood is just now slipping away and I'm beginning to feel adulthood coming at me. What do I think about this? Well to be completely honest, it scares the heck outta me. I don't want to grow up just yet. I am hurt so easily by other people's actions, that I am not sure I am ready for sticking my neck out and getting stomped on again. I would love to have the trust and love and companionship of a great guy someday, but now I don't think I can trust any guy in that capacity. There is no other way to put it but that I feel like I was trampled on. I have a sense of defeat that is overpowering and I just want to retreat into the world of friends and family and not put myself out there. Is this wrong? I don't know, but for now that is my solution and I have to go with my gut feeling.

Wouldnt you know that coming home for christmas break i would get sick and it be starting on christmas eve. The thing is though, i thought it would pass by the next day or so and it hasnt and im so miserable and whats worse, i have been working closing shifts at work which suck alot and it is not a environment condusive to getting better simply because i blame work for getting me sick in the first place, with all the people i come in contact with and what not. its just a sad equation im afraid. the last post i posted on here is way past done and besides that, way over too, guy turned out to be a grade A jerk and im still reeling off the hurt i felt from it all. i think i am a little naive when it comes to judging people, i tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt even after evidence proving them a certain way and with him, i overlooked alot and then realized, i really should have seen this coming earlier. the signs were all there, but i was too enamored to see them. oh well, crossed that bridge, over it. i am not in a very trusting guys frame of mindset these days, if its family thats one thing but outside of that, i just really am not dealing with it. somethings are best left unmessed with and i think that right now, relationships for me is one of them. on a brighter note, christmas was despite my illness, a good day, i got to see a whole bunch of my family i havent seen in a while and my favorite cousin Conway was there and stayed the night and we got to hang out for a good amount of time. Also, i got the main thing i wanted for christmas, a webcam. these things are really neat, i mean u can take pictures, make videos, and talk over aim with friends on them. i have had fun, playing with it and figuring out how it works since i got it. now if i could only get over this cold, then i would be "ginger peachy" to use a old phrase...

Well, to begin with, recently I watched Sleepless in Seattle again for I don't know the bazillionth time, I guess. And I got to thinking, the part where the little boy Jonah calls in to the radio show and tells all about his dad and they give the callers nicknames like "Sleepless in Seattle", well I recently am feeling like my life should have such a nickname assigned to it. How about "Blundering in Blacksburg" or "Baffled in Blacksburg". I know this all makes no sense, but thats because I haven't gotten to the story behind it. It all started on the first day of classes this year. Me, always the unsuspecting innocent that I am, walk into my Historical Methods class thinking, "oh gosh, I really need to do well in this class because this is a important one for my major and besides that, I have to pass with a C or higher to continue on." Well like I said, all unbeknownst to me, I go to this class never once suspecting the peril I am placing mysef in. I go in and find a seat, which isn't hard because I always get there early, the big dork that I am, and wait for others to sidle in and class to begin. Little did I know there that one certain individual would soon cause me to loose track of what I needed to concentrate on and be a huge distraction. Yeah did I mention, that a percentage of our campus is cadets, yeah cadets, as in boys in uniform, as in major distraction, also not very good that seemingly they all seem to happen to be History majors like myself. Not good. Now to be completely honest, I'm a girl who likes a guy in uniform, who can blame me? But to get to the point, this class turned out to be about half cadets. Okay you say, she can overcome this right? Yeah, no problem. Just ignore the cadets, right, check, all good. Wrong. Yeah that seem to be a great plan until I caught sight of one particular cadet out of the bunch. For the sake of discretion and later any regrets on reciting this tale, said cadet will remain nameless. But to give the reader an idea of what was so disarming about this particular male co-ed, in a nutshell, he was tall, and I mean tall, about 6'3'' to be exact by his own reckoning, and dark, gotta love the dark type right? Oh and just in case that didn't cinch it for you, a pair of the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen, with long dark eyelashes that it is frankly unfair for a guy to have. Not to mention a smile to die for, I mean not overconfident type but the type that catch you offguard and kinda are shy and the kind you know that to see, you have to work for or earn. You a goner yet? Well I was. And the saddest part was, I didn't even know his name then. Reaching into the future a bit, once I got the nerve to talk to him, it got way worse. Okay, if all his outward traits weren't enough to knock a gal off her feet, you wouldn't believe this next part. He was the epitome of what I like to call a country boy. Redneck by his terms, country boy by mine. He possesses all the traits any country boy who is brought up right should, polite, courteous, and chivalrous, not to mention strongly patriotic and opinionated. He was pretty much your all-American guy, course the best version i had ever met. Well to get down to it, this cadet I knew I had to at least make friends with. Which I got right on as you can imagine. We are friends and have hung out a few glorious times, which were absolutely heavenly, even once, I skipped two of my classes and played hooky with said cadet, spending from 8 am that morning when we had a class together (historical methods) till 2:30 with him. Can you say, greatest day of my life. And it all just kinda happened, nothing preordained or planned, just one of those spontaneous days where things just seem to fall into place. The only pitfall to this relationship witht he cadet is, he is the type of guy that is hard to read, often moody, or kinda down, and tired, and as much time as I try to spend with him, I cannot honestly say how we stand. I am pretty sure he sees us as friends at least, but I can't help but wondering if maybe there is the option for more. Like I said, "Baffled in Blacksburg." See what I mean? Oh the wondering.......

First off I like to think that life is not like the movies, but then again it is. Ever seen the movie, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"? Well let me tell ya, some of it is not so far stretched. I am living the crazy Greek life. And not in the whole sorority and fraternity way, bc that is just ridiculous, but thats another tangent all together. In my crazy Greek family, the main cause of all our messes is the Matriarch, or Grandmother, Yia-yia as she is more affectionately known. (yeah that was in the movie, Greeks all call their grandmas Yia-yia). Anywayz......Apparently as late, a cousin of mine has felt distress at being as he put it, "left out of family gatherings and last to know when things happened". Well no offense but he does know how large this family is doesn't he? I mean all Greek families are large. When we have family gatherings it gets kinda nutty like the movie with everyone gossiping, and what not. I tell you, for as many times as part of our family has been at odds with the other, i think we could compete against, how the ancient Greek city-states acted toward one another. Lets just say Athens and Sparta, they resemble the battles my father and his siblings have. But sadly behind most of the Drama is the cute little old lady, Yia-yia. She loves to stir up trouble and then when it happens act all distressed that her children aren't getting along. Yeah wow. Got a cousin about to be married, and another who is marrying her fiance in Greece and going to live, bc he is also Greek, but as to this first cousin, when she announced her engagement, the second one seemed to take it as a challenge as to who would get married first competition. I swear, who cares, although since i only get to go to the first ones wedding, I think im more inclined to care about that as i am a bridesmaid in it, and also slightly closer to that part of the family too. Her parents just happen to be my Nouna and Nounoe, or my Greek Godparents. Yeah haha. Lots going on this year. What else can happen to this Athens clan, who knows?

If only I could make the Dean's List, then I would feel really truly smart.
If only I could find someone to share my heart with, my life would be full.
If only life had not dealt the cards that broke up our bond, I would still have a sister.
If only I could speak to people and share my thoughts, I would feel brave.
If only for once I could see someone smile at me and not question the motives behind it, I would be happy.
If only I felt good in my own skin, then my confidence would be higher.
If only life were simpler, then I would not ponder over such thoughts as these.

I'm sorry that you can't seem to see me for the wind,
I'm sorry that I reached out and you decided not to do the same,
I'm sorry that to me you seem unapproachable,
I'm sorry I am a coward,
I'm sorry that if I could tell you what I think of you that you might feel slightly embaressed,
I'm sorry that your taken,
I'm sorry that we have things in common,
But most of all I'm sorry that you will never know these things and as a result never really know me as well.

What constitutes normalcy? Sure our campus is returning to classes and people seem to be settling back in to the routine around here, but is this normal really? The news and media keep sayin that VT in on its way to healing and getting back normalcy. I am not so sure that there is such a thing. Personally I go to classes and go out with friends and spend time with them as I did before 4/16/07, but its not like before because of the simple fact that ever present in the backs of our mind are the events of last week. How couldnt they be? The media still hangs around campus to a certain extent though it has thinned out mostly, but nevertheless they are a constant reminder. I mean there are signs on every hall saying to the media to keep out and give the students and faculty a breather. As much as the media has "tried" to help by covering the story and updating us on new developments, I feel that some of the time they do more harm than good and just serve to keep the wound fresh. All in all, as I discussed with my cousin also a Tech student yesterday, we are just so glad to be back at Tech. There is not place we would rather be and no greater school in our eyes. "We are the Hokies, We will prevail, we will prevail, we will prevail, we are Virginia Tech."

Pray for all of Virginia Tech and the people who had to experience this monsters atrocities.

Racheal Hill .....
I had only met her really this semester but she had been in my class for two. she was one of the friendliest girls i had met besides my hallmates. we became friends when at the begining of this semester, going to a review session, we realised we had been in each others class twice now and were both ridiculously early for the session, we found out we were both from richmond and started to sit with each other everyday in class from then on. she took chemistry and we had this ongoing joke about how awful chem was and how i felt for her taking it. we also had recently had a talk about old science fiction films the really silly old ones, and how the woman always tripped and then screamed until the creature got them and how dumb they were. she was a awesome girl and i cant seem to believe that from now on she will not be there anymore, sitting next to me discussing prof. murph's silly powerpoint pictures. I know her family is missing her and is heartbroken so send ur thoughts to them and remember her even if u didnt know her personally. And send your thoughts and prayers to Virginia Tech as well.

As a continuance on the crazyiness that has occurred today, i just found out that while yes my cousin is okay, he was nearby the place that the main shootings took place at the time and is shook up by it. Also he had a friend in the building who had a class there at that time and was only saved because he had had to make a bathroom trip at that time. I cant imagine how it was to be in those rooms at that time, where to some the only option availible seem to be jumping out of a window and or taking the bullets that flew everywhere as the madman and he had to have been a madman to commit such atrocities as we have seen here today took out all he could in his path. All of us should take a minute to be thankful for how lucky we were to be not there at that time and to give a moment or more of our time to think and send our thoughts to those who were not so lucky and who suffered at the merciless hand of a monster for lack of a better term.

yeah u wake up and its seems like any other day. then u get to class through snow and blustery wind and hear from a classmate that her dorm has cops surrounding it and that they were telling them not to leave the dorm and those who did leave, had to give their name and then they were allowed to leave but told they cant go back in then. During that class we saw on the tech website that a shooting had occurred in west ambler johnston and that police and such is on the scene. as we left class we headed toward the drillfield and me to my next class but before i got even close a older man approached a guy from my class and told him to turn back and not go that way because not only had there been another shooting but not in west ambler again but across campus by burruss and mcbryde where i had my next class, and that the shooter was on the loose. so i hurried and watched around me back to the dorm taking the long way around to my dorm, hearing police telling ppl to get to their dorms and stay inside. when i got back in, i immediately woke up my roommate and told her what i had heard and seen and we checked our email and turned on the news. we had followed it from then, learning he had crossed campus and went to Norris hall and started shooting in there and ppl were jumping out of windows to get away and bunch of ppl got injured and one dead that we know of. as we listened to the news one of our friends here on campus got interviewed on Fox News channel a few times over the episode. we are now aware that the shooter is dead and that he had shot at least 22 ppl and that 21 at least injured. We are going down in history now as the most heinous crime on a campus now we beat out Charles Whitman who at the university of texas, pulled a sniper crime on his fellow students in 1966. With two shooting incidents today and one the last semester this is a insane freshman year here as a student at Virginia Tech.

Yeah it was my first Easter away from home and not really anything good about it. Most of my friends went home and or had to work, so there was no one around and I didnt celebrate at all. The only option there really would have been was to do my own Easter or ring up the Orthodox Christian Club here and be like hey can i catch a ride with you to church which would have been really weird for me and them no doubt. I miss the dyed eggs we would do at home and even the church ones dyed red that they give u every year. I miss the baskets my mom does for me and my sister and Easter dinner with the family. Lamb, a greek thing for Easter. Sounds so good now to me. And even sadder my mom made me a Easter basket and I cant have it till I go home.


And so Easter has ended before it even began for me, sigh. Well something to look forward to when I get home then I guess.

Yeah like this mugshot of Steve-O here, i feel really guilty. Today in hopes of actually getting my world literature reading fully read and caught up on i skipped short fiction. And yeah im sure anyone out there is like "so who cares everyone does that", well this girl doesnt and feels bad but at the same time i know i didnt miss anything important prolly tho. oh well i will still feel bad for it im too goody i guess. The downer is i dont think that the extra time really did much good in the long run tho. oh well so much for trying to accomplish something while being truant to another. im not perfect so yeah was bound to happen eventually. Yeah i cant talk myself into convincing that i did a good thing. oh well.

Well today is so far a pretty pleasant day. Had a pop quiz in History class where the girl who sits next to me kinda freaked because she like me had not read the chapter yet. But unlike her, i did create the greatest piece of B.S. ever, that hopefully will work out but who cares. The only true worries i have this semester is getting a good grade on my finals and passing math so i can be done with it. History major so hello i dont have any interest in all things mathmatical. Just recently i read a super book by one of my new favorite authors, Sarah Dessen. It was called "Just Listen" and was really good. So if anyone is looking for a good book to read i highly recommend her books especially that one. Her books have this really cool aspect to them where they at least in my case make me totally obsessed with stuff from them for a while after. In this book her use of terms made up like I-Lang for inflammatory language and R and R for rephrase and redirect were awesome and i have taken to using them here and there. Also her love interests in her books are not your average guy like you meet in other teen fiction. They are so real and each one have such distinct personalities. In this book the guy was Owen Armstrong. He is kinda the school outcast who was always off to himself and who most people were slightly afraid of, he always wore his ipod and earphones, was supposedly arrested for a bar or club fight and then had to go to anger management. Because of these things he has this belief that it is best to always tell everyone the honest truth to whatever he is asked. His main interest is what he calls enlightened music or music that for whatever reason he finds particularly amazing going from mayan chants to Led zeppelin. Makes you wish he was real doesnt it? well i finished the book in a matter of hours and after had a sadness that u feel when u know that its over and u wish that the book being so good could of gone on so much longer. The good ones never seem long enough and the bad boring ones never ending its funny that way really. well guess that means im back to finishing Oliver Twist now, good as it is, it is totally different from Miss Dessen's books. Cant wait till her next one comes out!

Well since i have been here at school i have quite a few firsts. The greatest one is the starting clean and no one knows u first. that was great. secondly having my own living place with no parents. dull i know but still firsts. i have been out to a club now and been dancing, yeah me dancing in public wow i know crazy right, shy little ol' me. Also i have drank some a little yeger here some beer there. been hanging out at a boy's apartment till late hours in the night and morning, brett gotta love him. also been on my first road trip to Brett's hometown and met his mom and pets. Saw the movie 300 there too. Went to a Midwinter's Dance and get this actually dance and was not a wallflower. And have had late movie nights with a guy chris who i met first semester and for recent events sake i will not go on to talk about just now. (Jekyll and Hyde....) and with this person went on my first offroading adventure too.....but yeah all in all i say freshman year is not a bust and it can only get better. I'm growing up here and learning not only in the classroom from my life experiences. Not too shabby...

Its been kinda insane lately all around. Classes are kinda bumming me out now instead of looking forward to them like first semester and this is this feeling that i never have enough time to do anything. Its an overpowering sense that somehow in some way the world could come crashing down if one thing (haha placeholder!) goes awry. But on the bright side lately i have been having more heart to heart talks with my friends and i always leave them in better moods and now they know why im so out of the mix so often. I have this friend who shall remain nameless and who needless to say is one of those where they run all hot and cold. One moment you are on great terms and then in only another your totally at a loss as to what the problem is. Since i recently had to read Jekyll and Hyde in my short fiction class here, i term these changes as the Jekyll and the Hyde phases. One moment they are as nice and congenial as anyone and they are Jekyll and in the next they have turned into such a torment of contradictory statements that they become Hyde. But talking to my friends who happened to catch this transformation first hand in a group chat last night, they now understand why it is so hard for me to talk about the relationship i have with this person. They are far from consistant and as my friends put it this person is a total A#% . But name calling aside, this person needs to grow up or they will one day find themselves alone and surrounded by happier more successful people and feeling left out. Such is life i suppose. As far as cheerier topics go, yeah yesterday was april fool's day. And as was to be expected, i got tricked. Granted it was small in retrospect and not nasty really by any means but i still could have done without it. One of my gal pals took my keys and passport or card to go to the dining halls and hid it. Now seeing as we were going to get coffee on campus i needed that very object so u can imagine my annoyance at the charade they that pulled. finally though making them feel bad got it back for me in the end. And as a good ending to all stories go i got my coffee which turned out pretty good since i am not a coffee drinker and just lately decided i wanted to try it, so in the last two days i have had a chocolate latte, which was okay and then yesterday a vanilla cappucinno, which i liked better. I am thinking of trying one with caramel today if i get the chance who knows. Class awaits got to cut it short.

u know u have been away from home too long when u are talking to ur sister on the phone and she is going on and on about what she has been up to and sounds like a creeky munchkin, bc she has laringitis and has too much to tell u that she talks at speeds faster than the speed of light. have u ever played an old record at the top speed and at its high pitch? well thats how my little excited sis sounded then. it was the funniest continous conversation i have had in forever. got to love the other half of the dangerous duo. we are true partners in crime. gotta miss that crazy girl and the things we do lol. i cant wait to go home and hang with the girl who has been my best friend since the day she was born.